Bread Therapy: Slasher horror

Wednesday 10 February 2010

Slasher horror

Friday. I made another sourdough loaf. And I forgot to slash it. AGAIN! And so another sourdough loaf was baked sans slash. Nevertheless, it did bake well and we all agreed it tasted pretty good. Slashes? We don't need no stinking slashes!

Sunday. I made another sourdough loaf. I slashed that mother!

It tasted just the same, baked just the same. But this time however, the loaf had a striking pattern of stripes accross it. It would've made a stunning dining table centre-piece for a dinner party with friends. Unfortunately, I wasn't hosting a dinner party. And I don't have any friends.

One slight eff-up: in the early stage of baking, the dough oozed* over the edge of the baking stone, which created a strange kind of loaf-claw* on the edge of the loaf.

*Genuine baking jargon.

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Serenity now!

Train spotting, collecting stamps, football, video games, kinky sex, distributing the Watchtower - whatever you're into, it all amounts to the same thing: DIVERSION.

There are many reasons why I have recently become hooked on making fresh bread. The zen-like calm of hand mixing the dough; the way your life slowly becomes aligned around the rising of dough and the fermenting of leaven. Watching dough slowly rise before your eyes in the oven as it slowly becomes bread. The alluring smell of a baked loaf emerging from the oven and the quiet crackling noises it makes as it cools. Eating the fruit of your toil with the evening meal is pretty satisfying too.

Baking bread then: it's fun, it's pretty cheap, you can eat everything you make. It's not pulse-raising hardcore, it's not especially sexy but nobody gets hurt (apart from the occasional burn). If you're feeling stressed out, you could do a lot worse than baking a lovely loaf.

Top Seven essential bread making equipment bits

1. Dough scraper/cutter.
An indispensable piece of plastic: sturdy yet flexible, it scrapes, mixes, cuts and divides dough like you wouldn't believe!

2. Bread stone.
Baking on stone is better than baking on metal! Its holds the heat and gives your dough an upward blast of heat for those essential first few minutes in the oven. They can be expensive though, particularly if you buy a purpose made one from a fancy, overpriced kitchen shop. However, I use a granite chopping board which cost about a tenner from a supermarket. Works just fine as a baking stone, I also mix my dough on it.

3. Tea towels.
The most massively useful thing a baker can have. They cover bowls of resting dough, protecting them from ill-wind and vermin, and when generously floured, make the perfect place for proofing dough to nestle in safety.

4. Oven thermometer.
Your oven is a bloody liar! The dial might claim to be a certain temperature but beware: ovens like nothing more than buggering up your baking. Put an oven thermometer in there and make sure your bread's baking at the right temperature.

5. Water sprayer.
Most professional bakers will bore you to death telling you how crap your pitiful domestic oven is for baking bread: not hot enough and too dry. Well screw them! As my wife would say: anything is possible! One way around the dryness of domestic ovens is by giving your dough a quick, fine spray of water just before you slip it into the oven, giving your bread a thoroughly satisfying crust.

6. Peel.
A flat wooden thing for shoving dough into ovens. I don't yet own a purpose made peel, though I am on the look-out for a decent one. I currently use flat baking sheets (three quid each from Wilko's) which work just fine.

7. Bannetons.
Baskets usually lined with linen, avilable in a variety of shapes and sizes, used for proofing dough. You can live without them, particularly as they can be pretty expensive here in the UK. I managed to get some round ones for a fiver each and they are effing brilliant, particularly for dough that likes to spreeeeead out.

Top four essential bread books

1. Dough by Richard Bertinet.

The Word! The best and probably only bread book you'll need. Also comes with a lovely DVD that shows his brilliant mixing technique.

2. Crust by Richard Bertinet.

The sequel to Dough! Now learn how to bake sourdough. Discover the joy of baking sloooooooooow.

3. The Handmade Loaf by Dan Lepard.

Bread boffin Lepard dishes the dirt on baking lardie-dah artisan bread. Initially techniques the writer endorse seem intimidating, but trying them out quickly reveals his way of baking to be simple and engrossing.

4. Handmade Breads: Simple Techniques for Baking Better Bread by Ciril Hitz.

A book for the more serious bread-head, with exhaustive descriptions for every stage of the bread making process. The writer assumes the reader wants to make their dough in a mixer. No! Bad Ciril!!! Apply Bertinet and Lepard's hand-mixing techniques to Hitz's recipes and you get to make some sexy classic French and Italian bread.

Five other vices

1. Fallout 3.
Ban this sick video game filth! A shameful 100 plus hours 'invested' in current character Judas, a tee-total, clean living vigilante, bringing untold levels of disproportionate violent justice to the lawless filth of post-apocalypse Washington.

2. Gin and tonics.
Mmmmm. Dry London gin, tonic, ice and a splash of lime juice. One more please landlord, I can still feel my legs!

3. The seaside.
When we get the chance, off we go: up to lovely Brancaster. Generally windy, sometimes too busy but always seasidey.

4. Real ale.
All the good ones: Everards Best and Tiger, Bath Ales range, Cameron's Strongarm Ruby Red. Avoid evil Greene King ales.

5. Crime fiction.
Slick sociopath heister yarns, or profane tales of misanthrope law officials. James Ellroy, Dashiell Hammett, Richard Stark: please stand up!

Bread Therapy